About my father

My father killed himself when I was 12, the last words he ever said to me were "no happy endings, Avy". He used my name, he didn't call me flower or angel like he used to do and maybe I should have known it was a sign that things would never be the same again.

When the world would come too close we would get into his car and drive all night past glowing forrests and endless fields, and the smell of gasoline and charcoal would make me feel safe and protected. Now they just remind me of the times that passed and how everything eventually comes to an end no matter how hard we try and wish that it wouldn't. I dream about it constantly and when I wake up I try to forget that once it was a reality.

(The full story here)


  1. your blog really reminds me on pneumoniawhite.com ^^

    x Daisy


  2. my father once told me, an ending must be good if that is not good than that's not the ending. though from our perspectives that is not good, but what others see might be different.

    lovin yr blog <3

  3. Dear Avy,

    I've read bits and pieces of yours and S('s?) blog. My deepest condolence in regards to losing your father. I wish you the best in life.

    Take care,


  4. Your blog is really beautiful and also really sad. Kinda like a movie.

  5. Lovely way of meeting someone who would walk the whole way with you! :D :D :)

  6. I'm sorry for the loss of your father. My mother was really suicidal growing up due to abuse by my father. She used to always tell me, "life is a bitch and then you die." My sisters saved her.


  7. My dad killed himself when I was 12.
    His suicide note said "I love you mom, Shaina (my older sister), and Simone (me)."

    I used to hear him crying in the living room late at night. Then one night, I didn't hear a thing...

    I feel for you. Those memories haunt, and when people say "It gets easier", I nod in agreement... But it never gets easier. It only gets easier to pretend.


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  9. God, I'm tired.

    I wrote "...When I was 12". That was a typo, I was 10.

  10. My grandad committed suicide suicide when my mum was 12 too, and I've always kind of resented him for the damage he's done to my mum and for the empty space in our family's lives where he should've been. I guess it's easier for me to blame him as I never met him, even though I know I'm being so self-centred and naive... I guess he honestly thought it was the best for my mum, or at least I hope he did.
    I'm completely and utterly torn in two by the side of me that really resents him after the few too many times I've walked in on my mum wrecked with emotion and distraught over his absence, and then the side of me that loves him no matter what, and that feels destroyed that he had to go through whatever shit he did go through to drive his actions.

    I don't even know much about him - I don't think my mum's too comfortable talking about him that much.

    I'm really sorry for your loss - I know how broken I am from my grandad, so I can't begin to imagine your pain. I know no words of mine are going to mend what's happened, but just know that I hope you're ok and don't have to deal with anything like this ever again.