Thursday, January 14, 2016

The stars look very different today

I escaped to Florence and have been hiding here for fourteen days like a deserter. I went to the airport without packing while he was out buying us breakfast, turned off my phone and got on a plane to see S for New Year's. I haven't checked my Facebook or e-mails since, afraid of what he might have written (or not written).

His absence is physical more than anything, I made space for other memories to form while I'm away, yet I can't stop myself from wondering what he will do to me eventually. Will I even see him again, if I ever go back to Paris? Will he spend months tracking me down, just so he can hurt me the way I deserve to be hurt?

I thought that leaving him like this would make me feel something but it doesn't, not even the fear excites me, not just yet. Maybe if I see him again I'll know, I want to see him again, I need to see him. I need to see him again. I do.

Follow on Bloglovin


  1. You write so beautifully, Avy. Emotionally. Love the David Bowie reference in your title.

    It's late, but I hope you were able to enjoy the holidays. And that 2016 treats you well.

    Edge of Night

  2. There is nothing more liberating than walking away. The fear is real, but the air is so much clearer.

  3. You don't deserve to be hurt. That I know.

  4. I wish I could just pack up and leave.

    Not on a plane though. Planes are terrifying.


  5. This was beautiful, yet sad.
    Stay awesome as ever, Avy,
    Much love,
    Archie <3

  6. Avy, I don't think you deserve to be hurt and I hope if you see him he will understand you needed to leave... You have to do what is right for you xox

  7. Sometimes, you leave, but you just don't know why you're doing it. Sometimes, there's no other way to protect yourself. xoxo

  8. there's nothing wrong with making sure.
    i hope the 'just in case to know' works out for you.


  9. I've been in Florence last November. For some reason I thought of you.
    Your words are my nightstand book right now.

    My blog is now at

  10. I think eventually you'll feel something, and it will show you that it was all real. x

  11. Oh, I have spent half my life trying to escape from something and the other half afraid of doing so. How brave you are. You are my girl.