Sunday, November 22, 2015

Les jours tristes

I used to hate Paris, but it might have had more to do with him than with anything else. I somehow learned to appreciate it, to look past the flaws and the inconsistencies. I learned to feel at home in Saint Germain, to walk down Boulevard Raspail not feeling like a stranger or a misfit. I've always been weak that way, restless and dissatisfied, looking more in to to the future than in to the past.

It's not that I'm over it now, I just found a way of dealing with everything that used to hurt me. When I drink too much Champagne I still think it's a bad thing, that I've turned in to my mother, a careless person unable to feel anything other than emptiness and apathy.

The shootings last week reminded me that it isn't true, that I can still feel sadness and pain and despair, and as cynical as it sounds, it makes me happy. I remember what it was like once, when I was younger and not as badly damaged, and I know that the pieces of those days are still infused in my bloodstream, hidden somewhere deep beneath the skin and inside the heart.

I hurt just like anyone else, a week later, a week of roller-coaster emotions and scattered thoughts. I'm still here, I'm alive, I'm trying to go on living. I love you.


19 comments:

  1. Good post! ;*
    U mnie świetne pomysły na świąteczne prezenty! Zapraszam ;)
    MÓJ BLOG-KLIIK

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  2. It always feels weirdly relieving when you realise you can still feel sad. Like, things haven't ever gotten so bad that you can't even do that anymore. xoxo

    www.thelittleenigma.blogspot.com

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  3. Be it steel or champagne, your armor is in place to protect the cuts that never heal. It is no protection about whatever wounds the future has to offer.

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  4. Even if feeling is sad it is better to feel than not... it's so terrible what happened Paris and the other places in the world. I pray for peace and love for the world xox ♡

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  5. I love how being able to feel, even sadness, makes you happy. There's nothing worse than feeling empty.

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  6. i blame fall for the feeling of emptiness... lack of sun takes away all the energy I ever had...
    I don't know what to say about these shootings... the senselessness of it makes me speechless. I don't think that saying anything will help anyway...
    be strong

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  7. oh, the rollercoaster effect of emotions...! Winter doesn't help, I suppose. Autumn is gone already, sort of.

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  8. When you are connected to a place with memories, all kind of memories, everything is even worse. I have deep memories in Paris as well. Many kisses

    Fashion and Cookies - fashion blog

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  9. If you are still in France - I hope you are safe. If it hurts, it means you are still alive.

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  10. My same thoughts too because I lived briefly in France and i loved it.

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  11. The roller-coaster of emotions will fade and things will be okay soon.




    http://girlwiththeblackdiary.blogspot.com/

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  12. What a mix of emotions for one girl to deal with! x

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  13. When you learn to love the sad things because they remind you that you are alive. There is a certain beauty in that type of acceptance of emotion. I hope you keep that feeling of being alive, even when it is so easy to slip back into being numb.

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  14. That feeling of mixed emotions. My heart goes out to everyone affected. Stay safe always.

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  15. P.S. Absolutely stunning pictures, it's hard to see the beauty in times like these.
    www.aliceinbloggersland.com

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  16. Maybe I'm gonna end up feeling like this too... Love your words
    xx
    Julie
    The Lady Fairer

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