Sunday, April 19, 2015

Limits of control

A week in and it feels like I never left. I can tell from the magnolias in the Luxembourg garden that winter turned to spring, four months without him and nothing else has changed. We still spend sleepless nights in the shadow of the Tour Montparnasse, then waste away our Sundays in bed or on the quiet back streets of Saint Germain.

He's going back to school tomorrow, I make plans to distract myself while he's away. He gets to me in ways I thought no man could, not after my father, not after Carl. He knows exactly how to touch me and he knows exactly what it does to me.

I sometimes feel the need to tell him, in the mornings when he slowly runs his fingers up my naked thigh. My skin is like his own, every inch a way for him to control the way I breathe. Softly at first, then faster until suddenly he stops. He whispers something to me, then gets up and leaves me there in the silence and the humid warmth.

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Saturday, April 11, 2015

Le Male

Airports remind me of the cronic state I'm in, the antiseptic limbo in between a dream and a nightmare. Not quite lost but never a place where I truly feel at home.

"Spring came with you" he says when he picks me up at CDG, wearing midnight blue and lavender. Paris smells the way I remember it, not from spring and cherry blossoms but a Gaultier-esque vulgarity. Its beauty is raw and impertinent, nothing like the dignified elegance of Rome or Milan.

The first time I came here was with Chloe, she wanted to fuck one of the PSG soccer players after watching the World Cup on TV. It worked better with the artists in Montmartre, even though they lacked money to buy us drinks and jewelry. We tried opium and red lace lingerie and promised each other that for the later it would be the first and only time.

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Saturday, April 4, 2015

The sun also rises

Henry calls me at 2 AM, surprisingly sober (or so it sounds). "You need to come back to Paris" he says, I immediately know that he's right. Not because he tells me to or by the tone of his voice, but because he's still more than just a memory. For too long I've thought of him as something peripheral, ignoring too many of his calls and communicating in single-sentence text messages. He doesn't deserve it, and maybe I no longer deserve him. In a little while I'll know.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

It's just a shot away

It takes an hour or so to walk from her apartment to the less crowded parts of the city. A little longer in heels. The wine tastes better there, Stephanie charms the waiters at bars and restaurants and they bring us more Martini Rosso on the rocks in branded highball glasses. We stumble home on our bare feet, just before sunrise, shoes in our hands and cigarette smoke deep infused in our light spring dresses.

Her father is staying over Easter, he knows better than to ask questions. If he's ever seen her with a man it's not the ones she smuggles out before he delivers our breakfast in the morning. Maybe he knows but prefers to think of her as innocent and pure, the way she always was when we were growing up in Silver Lake.

Everything and nothing has changed since then. I'm afraid of what I would find if I ever went back, afraid of what I might remember. Rome was built in a thousand years and it fell apart with a single heartbeat.

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Thursday, March 26, 2015


Stephanie's next door neighbor stopped playing the piano a week ago. I knocked on his door, a pretty girl in a soccer jersey and hipster panties opened, her ebony hair a velvet skyfall. These are the sort of things that strengthen my sense of abandonment.

Her father is nothing like mine. Some days are better than others but it's not true what they say, that it gets easier with time. The sudden rushes of pain are exactly alike, just not as predictable as they used to be. Little things keep reminding me: a newspaper headline, black cotton socks, the smell of smoke and cinnamon.

They used to tell me that as long as I remembered him he would never be gone, until they didn't. I grew up faster than I had to and the stories quickly changed. Every illusion I ever had was shattered along the way, except for one. It's the air that keeps me breathing, the reason why I still force myself to go on.

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