Even though we're on the edge of the ocean I'm the only one here that never goes swimming. It's not that I'm afraid of the currents or the waves, I just don't trust myself. When I was little in LA, even before my father died, I would go as far out toward the horizon as I could, just to feel what it would be like to never come back.
I did it with Chloe too, later, almost like a game we played in the dark when everyone else had gone home. Gin and medication made it even easier, we would hold hands under the surface and watch the moonlight in each others eyes until we were warm enough to swim back to the shore and the sand and the city.
Last night I woke up early and went down to that little stretch of beach just beneath the house. I stepped out of my shoes and walked slowly in to the ocean as if in a dream, so far I had to hold my summer dress up over my thighs, the cold water touching me between my legs like a skillful tongue. I've learned that nothing really compares to being just inches away from letting go completely.
Christians think it's just Jesus, but we Jews can all walk across water when we need to run away.
ReplyDeleteI can feel what you were feeling standing in the water like that... there have been times I wanted to do the same thing.. it depends on the mood I am in though whether I should or not xox
ReplyDeletelovely!
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I miss you too Avy :(
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling
ReplyDeleteOh that feels like a dream,
ReplyDeletelove your writings
xx
http://lornasharp.blogspot.com
Oh my god, that was so good!
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ll5qiWa6YDk
ReplyDeleteIt's been awhile but your words are still so enchanting and magical. You make me miss the ocean.
ReplyDeleteI haven't swam out in almost two years. You can swim in a pool, but you're confined. In the ocean, there is depth, and distance, and it can take you away forever. I miss the ocean already. I miss treading water.
ReplyDeleteWww.terrestrialonism.blogspot.com
So true. That feeling of almost letting go. Kind of like almost being at the edge of the tunnel about to breakthrough.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written as always, Avy. And nice photos.
I learned early on to predict when I was about to let go completely and how to monitor it.
ReplyDelete