Friday, January 21, 2011

A man of principles and defiance

He was always loved, but being an outcast in a small town he was also at the center of everyone's attention. If he had enemies or went through times of social hardship, he mostly brought it on himself. By refusing to follow the standards and live by the norms, he stirred up annoyance and even anger. People told him that for his own good he should accept the opinions and judgments of others as his guiding principles. They told him it's dangerous to have a will of your own, to have your own principles and ideas, and that he should simply succumb to the popular view. He was a majestic bird in a small cage, a winsome flower under the suffocating blanket of a narrow-minded society, and all he wanted to do was to break free and fly.

Monday, January 10, 2011

It's all in your head

He could never remember when it was that he started seeing himself as an outcast, but the feeling grew inside him from early on. He tried to pin it to various traumatic incidents - the family being evicted from their house, his father committing suicide, or just failing to concentrate in school - but never found a valid explanation. The strangest part is that he was always loved. He had no reason for feeling unwanted or taunted, but he did anyway. When a destructive idea got into his head, it stayed there and wouldn't leave until it had caused enough pain and suffering. He had to live with that, no matter how hard it seemed.

Friday, January 7, 2011

We were born to lose

He was born in the middle of the coldest winter recorded, one month premature. The doctors gave him a fifty fifty chance of surviving, and he did. No one called it a miracle, but in a way every birth is. Every child that is born and survives is the cause of something so much bigger, and influences so many other lives along the way. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't even exist.

At the age of 18 he went to the US in search of happiness, as they say. He found something completely different.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Nothing borrowed nothing new

I spent new year's with S, her family and their friends. I love her, but she's so upper class it's almost ridiculous. Especially the friends, I've met them before and it's always the same deal. They start by bragging about their fabulous children (who are all fat and ugly by the way) for an hour or so, and then go through this year's hunting season, its ups and downs. The worst thing is they're dead serious. S understands me. From across the table, she looks at me and I look at her, sharing what we think of the surreal conversations via unspoken words and invisible gestures.

Later, after dinner, we're in her room. She, wearing a pink t-shirt and panties, jumping up and down on her king size bed, and me watching her from a velvet dressed rococo armchair, a tall glass of wine in my left hand. She's so beautiful. So pure.