Tuesday, December 4, 2012

04 - "What I'm certain of is that I never want to put a child into this world"

I only know my mother's past from the diary she kept on a train crossing the Russian wilderness over 30 years ago. They were young then, she and my father, and if she still feels the same way she hides it well. I sometimes think that much of what she is now began on that train, but I still don't know everything that happened to them.

I found the diary hidden under some shoe boxes in her closet when I was a child, I spent hours copying the text so I wouldn't lose it if she were to find out. I knew I wasn't supposed to read it, when she caught me she exploded but we never talked about it. A few of the pages were missing, before them she wrote:

Today we stopped for an hour at a small station somewhere close to the end of the world. We weren't allowed to go out so we watched the people through our smudged windows. I saw a family, a mother and a father with their little daughter, and I started to cry. T asked me what was wrong but I couldn't bear to tell him. I know how he left his family behind too, and I have no right to be more tormented by it than him. What I'm certain of however, what I saw so clearly through that window, is that I never want to put a child into this world. I could never live with the notion that some day they would be left all alone.

I sometimes wish she had told me herself, I sometimes wish we would talk about it because I know it still hurts her and what I would tell her is that, more than anything, I understand.


  1. If this were a sitcom, your best bet would be to fake trap yourself and your mother in a confined space (bank vault, walk-in freezer, storage pod) and get her to spill all the beans.

  2. I completely understand the feeling of having something you desperately want to say but not being able to say it. I can't claim to know too much about you, but maybe this is a conversation that you need to have, even if it's hard.


  3. I can't imagine knowing you're mother never wanted a child and then that child is you. One time when me and and my mom were in a really bad fight, she said "I brought you into this world, I can take you out" That's not what a mother should say. A lot of kids aren't necessarily planned or desired, but you should step up and love them anyway. I'm curious what you're mother would say if you two were to talk about it.

  4. I don't know what to say. I am sure she meant it then, when she was younger, and when time was different; but when she got you, it was the biggest blessing in her life. I really am sure. Sometimes I used to think how I don't want to have a child. ever. and now... I just pray that I will be blessed one day with at least one.


  5. she may have felt that way, but that does not mean that you are not everything to her. Everything.

  6. I'm sure that at the time it wasn't her plan or what she thought she wanted. But I think that she probably changed her mind as soon as you were born and loves you so much.


  7. Some people just don't know how to be parents.. They don't fully connect with their children.. or maybe it's just that don't connect with being a mother.. but the love that the child feels for the negligent parent.. is very much there.. I just think it's sad.. how there's so many women out there who will never be able to bear children and have no real means of adopting.. but then there's women out there who have all these children and yet, they abuse them, and they don't take care of them.. It's an injustice..

  8. To buy or not to buy is the name of the color ;) so thank you for your comment!

  9. love this xxxx