Friday, November 9, 2012

No we can't

They say a new storm is coming but that's not why the streets here seem so empty. There are always people around, there's always traffic and noise but I'm afraid that if I scream all I'll hear is the echo of my own voice bouncing off the cold glass facades along Broadway. Instead I keep quiet just because it's... no, let me start over.

I don't do this to get validated. I've never cared about what people think, I just need to know I'm not alone. On election night I passed by Times Square and the tension in the air, the excitement and the anger and it frightened me because I felt nothing at all. Which pathological liar and hypocrite gets to tell me what to do for the next four years?

They care, the masses gathering to see their votes projected in neon colors on the Empire State Building, as if it really mattered and maybe it really does. I listened to their heartbeats and felt their hands creeping up under my clothes, so close until I almost couldn't breathe.

I went home and turned off the lights, closed the windows and my bedroom door, as I'm sitting here now, writing in the dark. It's 2 a.m, I'm browsing through your comments and emails and all the sweet things you've said to me. You compliment me on the way I write and every time you do my heart skips a beat, but it stops entirely when someone tells me I understand.

Ever since my father died I've been lost somewhere in a storm, alone in the dark, unable to make sense of the world around me. That's why I'm doing this, to at least try. Every word I post here is a piece of that puzzle I'm trying to solve, as hopeless as it sometimes seems. Like taking drugs to get over an alcohol addiction.

And when you tell me that the way I think somehow makes sense, when you tell me I'm not alone in this, I know it wasn't for nothing.

(Thank you)






45 comments:

  1. Good night Avy! Sweet dreams!
    Love from Bangkok,
    Hang

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  2. There are those of us who write for our own clarity. The comments, the love, it is a nice bonus. At the end of a post though, when we see ourselves in a slightly different light, that is why we few write.

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  3. You are a brave lady ... and your writing depicts it ... keep it up !!!

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  4. Paragraph #2? That says it all. Does anyone think America will ever be the strong nation that it used to be?

    Writing does help, or at least it should. If nothing else....it gets some of the stuff out of your head for a little while. I think many feel the way you do but for various reasons. We are here. We read you and we care. I care.

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  5. you make me want to write again, but it seems hardly anyone is reading anymore, but i can come here. thank YOU. might pack a few things and flew to nyc.just for the nights, just for the pointless wandering through manhatten. be safe, avy, ok?

    xx

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  6. Thankyou for this great post!

    xx,
    michelle

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  7. hang on there, avy. as much as you feel alone, you're not. loves xx

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  8. You really do make sense! I love reading your posts, and put together all the puzzle pieces you give to us.
    I've got this kind of moments, even thought I'm always surrounded by people who actually love me. ❤ ❤

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  9. Ah-yes... clarity, self discovery, trying to make sense of things, putting the pieces back together.. for the sake of feeling whole again.. Yes, I understand. Completely. Keep going Avy!

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  10. you'll be okay. I never thought I would be, but I am. So you will be too.

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  11. Be safe and sound c: I'm sorry
    about to hear your lost as I
    understand how you feel because
    I've lost someone important as
    well.
    So how about living on and
    smile and have great laughter?

    xx

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  12. hey dear
    great blog :)
    much we can follow :)???

    xoxo :)

    reni-ferek.blogspot.com

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  13. Beautiful writing...I can't stop reading <3

    Best,
    Colour Me Classic

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  14. Your writing is beautiful :) And I'm sorry for your lost, but do stay strong and be happy. I'm now also trying to find myself, the place that I could stand in a new environment, and I believe I would find it soon. Same goes to you <3

    And I'm following you now, because of your beautiful writing and photos.

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  15. Hi, sweet! Nice blog you have...wanna follow each other?
    just leave me a comment and I'll follow u back!
    www.gvozdishe.com

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  16. Always great posts in this blog!!
    Your writing is so beautiful and unique!!

    be safe

    http://fashiondng.blogspot.gr/

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  17. i really love what you are writing and i'm so sorry about your lost..but u have to wake up dear..i lost my parent and my brother when i was 6, me and my twin still good.. but Thanks God i'm here :) you have do this too, Wake Up !
    Followin u via GFC and put your blog on my Wall blog, so i can see your blog anytime

    http://chic-swank.blogspot.com

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  18. Thank you for your lovely comment! Love your pictures! xD
    Why don't we follow each other? :D

    stylebean.blogspot.com

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  19. Hi dear! Thanks for visiting my blog! I really like yours!:) I just read a few of your article and I must say that I love the way you write! You are so talented!:) Keep goig Avy!:) You are not alone! Follow you now! Have a nice day dear!

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  20. Hey AVY, really love your writing and photos :)


    Blair.

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  21. Omg! I am in love with the name of your blog.
    I just found your blog and I Love It!
    New Subbie!!!

    -Kenneillia M.
    Check out my blog:

    thestylevow.blogspot.com

    (PLEASE Support & Subscribe :-D )

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  22. great post honey, nice photoos :P

    xx

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  23. Hello Dear! I like your blog so much! This is my first visit here but definitely not the last :) Would you like to follow each other? :)


    XOXO,
    Monika

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  24. Beautiful writing, I hope you find you way & don't feel lost sweetpea.
    Thank you for stopping by and for my b'day wishes! Hope to see you soon love.
    x.o.x.o

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  25. love this blog... i follow you... do u follow my italian blog?
    http://scrivimidamore.blogspot.it/
    http://ragazzocomune.blogspot.it/

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  26. such interesting writing.
    there will be time when you realize that you're really not alone and isolated but you belong
    hugs from the blogosphere
    xoxo
    style frontier

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  27. thanks for the comment, beautiful photos

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  28. Wonderful and very interesting pictures, all have had something mysterious, extraordinary talent: *

    Kiss Tina:*

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  29. Love these pics:) Love your way of writing!:) I'm your newest follower for sure ! Really hope you will follow/visit back!

    www.fussylife.com
    www.facebook.com/fussylife

    xoxo
    K

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  30. Lovely :)

    http://fashionroomlounge.blogspot.com

    A chic kiss ;)

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  31. Hey Avy, thanks for visiting my blog (I didn't really help the Prez, he kinda helped me with that 20 percent discount however, I totally respect where you're coming from).

    I've been a bit lazy to catch up with your blog, I'm still stuck in the 2011 posts! I'm totally determined to get up to date as long as it beats going to the library and getting a really good book. Your writing is so intriguing, but I'm sure people tell you that all the time.

    -Ezi

    ikintoo.blogspot.com

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  32. Your writing is beautiful. Great post.
    FASHIONPROJECT
    www.clm-trash.blogspot.com

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  33. It wasn't for nothing (P.S. It's strange, but while I was in New York I would look around and think that I was standing where you had been standing or someplace where you will stand again. Random, I know).

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  34. Hello !! I am your newest follower /

    Appreciate if U can FOLLOW me back Please ?:)

    Very pretty and classy, love the look :)
    I follow you now ! Wanna be your friend!
    Follow me back on facebook ,instagram, twitter,and GFC and add me as a friend in GFC
    love you dear :)

    Marcchanelette.blogspot.com
    MarcBelle Chanelene

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  35. You know how much I love to read your posts... to be honest, I'm not even sure what to write now, but I somehow want to write something. I would lie if I told you I understand, mainly I don't, but I'm trying to. And today after a long time I cried while reading this. I really feel through your words how painful it is to lose someone as important as your own father. I can't even imagine how devastated I would be.
    But really Avy, I love your writing, I love reading about your life, your thiughts, your struggle. It gives me strenght.
    Does this even have a sense?

    http://littlemisstwiggy.blogspot.com/

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  36. Beautiful and sad post.. I hope you can also find sources of happiness.

    xx
    Tali
    www.RockMyHeels.com

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  37. Beautiful writing and gorgeous photos. Just stumbled onto your blog and I'm so glad I found it. xo Rachel

    http://tribeoftwo.blogspot.com/

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  38. Wonderful and very interesting pictures :D
    really love your blog.
    greets from germany ,
    noooemi.blogspot.de

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  39. You are so good at writing! It's beautiful!

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  40. I'll be in New York the weekend of December 14, look for me, Tinkerbell, The T-Rex and Max skating in Rockefeller Plaza.

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  41. What a beautiful post, Avy. I always enjoy coming to your blog and your posts are always so captivating. Writing can be so therapeutic so it's good to hear that it's helping you on your journey of recovery. Keep it up.. you have so many people that are supporting you and care about what you're going through. Take care of yourself!

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