Thursday, August 16, 2012

The games we play

Mother is home again. I kept her flowers alive but I'm not sure she noticed. The scent of her perfume (Cartier de Lune) slowly fills the apartment, I hear her footsteps and the little songs she sings when she's happy. They make me happy too, when I ask her where she's been she just smiles and tells me I look pretty.

The first days are always like this. I realize I've missed her, maybe because I'm not good at being alone, but I'll soon feel suffocated and wish she would leave again. I'll regret it when she does and worry about something happening to her, so that the last thing I ever said to her was something other than "I love you".

And in all of this I can never forget those words from her diary I found after my father died, what she wrote on a train thundering through the Russian wilderness over 30 years ago:

What I'm certain of, what I saw so clearly through that window, is that I never want to put a child into this world. I could never live with the notion that some day they would be left all alone.















42 comments:

  1. really interesting blog! and cute pictures.
    follow? XX
    peachnpear.blogspot.com

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  2. This is so sad and sweet at the same time. I have the same relationship with my mom but you know, in the end, we need to love each other because that's all we have. xoxoxoo

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  3. Greetings from Russia. Beautiful photography, very interesting post and blog!!))
    xoxo

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  4. What would you say if one of your readers knew where your mother went?
    Beautiful post. Made me a little scared though, because the last thing I need is for someone else to confirm to me that what you say is true.

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  5. what a sad story..but beautiful pictures!

    http://individualemotion.blogspot.de/

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  6. finally. i'm glad your mother is home. and i love your father's words

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  7. Touching but has a touch of happiness. Nice post...:)

    xx!

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  8. One day I hope all my writing brings some insight into who I am or who I was to my children.

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  9. All those photos are yours? Cause' they're amaaazing girl!

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  10. Hope - that's what I feel when I read your posts! :)

    Love the orchids pic :)
    Take care and blessed be! :D

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  11. First of all, thank you for visiting my photo blog, I really appreciate...

    I read some of your posts. Sorry for the lost of your father...
    The only thing I can tell you is to never lose hope...

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    Replies
    1. And by the way, loved your pictures and your writing :)

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  12. Beautiful story. Love this especially when I'm listening :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-7d14o42Nk
    Evia x

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  13. the honesty in your posts is beautiful. sometimes i do feel the same way about my mom. <3

    inspiration from the little things

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  14. Yes, one day we will be left alone. But does that mean we should exclude them from life altogether?

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  15. You've summed up the mother/daughter relationship perfectly here. x E

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  16. Whilst reading this, I was taken back to when I read The Outsider by Albert Camus. Thank you.

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  17. Beautiful writing. You know, sometimes we all feel that way towards our mother but in the end really, no matter how much you want her away from our lives, we still dearly love and miss her.

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  18. First of all, Avy, I wanna thank you for the comment you left on my blog.

    This is the first time I've been here and already I am enjoying my stay. I've read the FAQ page about your mom and she sounds a little like mine. She's that free-spirited, isn't she? But what about the few words that she wrote on her diary... how did you feel about it?

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  19. Good one! I almost sense the perfume, pain, love and inhibition all in the same room...

    xoxo

    http://okimaliar.blogspot.com/

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  20. you just made me cry... :(
    I can see that you have her sense of writing...
    I also miss my mother whenever she goes somwhere, and than after being few days with her, I feel suffocated too :S
    But I am almost certain she is my best friend... always... Even when she's annoying... :)

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  21. Wow, your writing is beautiful. After your comment on my blog I came here to reply and say thanks - instead I have ended up reading SO many of your posts and been so moved and inspired. Thanks for sharing your life and your incredible talent for writing with all of us x

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  22. My dad left for a few weeks
    and I almost let the plants
    dying, haha...
    He's back for a few days now
    and I totally understand
    this feeling of yours!

    xx

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  23. Just found your blog and I am gorging on your past entries. Beautifully written.

    www.sayhellomax.com

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  24. The important things always seem to remain unsaid.

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  25. nice Blog, and good pictures!
    look at my blog ;)
    http://angelinaneverwannadie.blogspot.de/
    xo angie

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  26. Such a beautiful post as always :) you're so talented with both photography and writing, you're going to go so far.


    HANNAH †
    [london--rose.blogspot.com]

    ...

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  27. Hi there,
    I loved your blog, do you think we can follow each other?
    Visite me:
    Native Salad
    Native Salad on Facebook

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  28. Wow, how much truth your mother put in that phrase!
    I know the feeling of being suffocated. Fortunately the one that does such thing is not my mother. :)

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  29. Such sad words, and then one still wants to live, above all that. I guess one could have an easier life, but when it gets to this, the feeling of pathos is overwhelming, and one couldn't change it for any other "more normal" life.

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  30. I have missed you, Avy. Just a number of months and I'll get done with exams and then I'll be back to blogging like before. I miss you. Love you. :)

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  31. the photo with the flowers is just greaat! love all your work :) I follow your blog now, i invite you to do the same if you want to,
    Xx!

    annasmirror.blogspot.com

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