Friday, May 4, 2012

A silent spring

"It's late enough" Chloe says and pours more than a few drops of Jim Beam Black in her Starbucks cappuccino. She's about to ask me if I want some too when she remembers and excuses herself*. I tell her it's fine and we drink our coffees in silence while looking at pastel colored teenaged clones coming out of the Banana Republic store across the street, identical bags hanging from every thin little bracelet arm.  

Everything is a copy. I sometimes imagine that same straight line running between the men in my life, between Carl and my father, but if it's true then it must be my fault. I'm the one who insisted on listening to those songs in the car while driving away from the darkness into the dark, wishing it would feel the same way. I told him to wear certain colors and clothes and to talk in a certain way about certain things, so that the memories wouldn't fade too fast. Maybe he did it because he loved me, and maybe he just wanted to make me happy. Maybe it doesn't matter as long as it helped.

If you could relive any moment in history, what would it be and why?














































*It's what my father had been drinking when they found him, one of those little details that have occupied my memory ever since.

52 comments:

  1. Beautiful pictures.

    I think I would like to be back on the stage.
    I once had a spontaneous guest gig with a band of one of my friends and was allowed to sing "Smells like teen spirit" by Nirvana. Never felt better.

    Love, sparkle.

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  2. You write beautifully.

    If i could go back in any moment in time it would have been to suck up how scared I was of death and going to see my best friend in the hospital before she died to tell her how much I love her.

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  3. Amazing.

    I'm trying to think of a moment... it's pretty hard. Given a chance to do anything over, I'd just want to do it better, according to myself. The troubles of a perfectionist.

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  4. I love your blog! Thanks for stopping by mine. I think we should follow each other - http://amyklundt.blogspot.com//

    much Love

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  5. Completed addicted to the story now... this post is so beautiful with the dancing soft pinks. There are many things I would do over in this life, but learning that sometimes it is better to seal off the past & be present instead. There is always tomorrow. But there are things that haunt me & I still try to resolve in my mind & heart, but know I never will.

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  6. wearing transparent Dior? haha...
    wao... i love ur writing more eachday...
    if i could i think i will go back to one night with the guy i shouldn't love.. that kind of teenagers night in wich you make love in the car because you don't have anyother place to go ...

    www.meryswardrobe.blogspot.com

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  7. Its not your fault, Avy. Even if you're wrong anywhere, know that you're still learning. Don't regret and don't blame yourself. Not healthy it is, you know.

    If I had a chance to relive any moment, I'd choose the phase when I'd just started knowing who I was. If I get to relive that phase, I feel there's a chance that I might even know something more that I don't know yet.

    And oh, the 2nd pic you posted.. HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU LOOK!! Enchanting! Those eyes.. <3

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  8. So beautiful!

    www.constance-victoria.blogspot.com

    x

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  9. I'd always desperately wanted to explore that delapidated old house on main street. The smell of rot, the darkness and cold. And he was going to take me right in, but my feet were glued to the ground and I stood frozen, too scared of the words trespassing and break in even at eight years old to fullfil my dream. Mother's wrath looming over me.

    She never forbade me to play with him. She just made plain her distaste and insinuated I was naive. I was being used. "Plain to see" she'd say shaking her head "but you have to make your own mistakes" she'd say, and her lips would curl and disappear into a thin line pressed tight against her teeth. He doesn't really like you, she'd hint. "There is just something to gain" she'd say cryptically. At eight I didn't understand her motifs quite like I do now. At eight I was rattled.

    It all began in religious ed. We were to draw suns and write the names of all our friends right in the centre of that big yellow ball. The smell of colouring pens. I asked the quiet new kid how to spell his name and received a big smile in return.

    We played in the mud. It was fun. Him, his little brother and me. Abandon. I'd come home covered in dirt. Happy.

    She'd dig her pointy red nails into my arm and tell me what embarrassment my behaviour caused. I wasn't acting grown up. I was letting her down.

    She held power over me then. Never forbidding, but making her displeasure known in other ways. A spilled drink, a crumpled cushion, a carpet fringe out of alignement and all hell would break lose. Transferral.

    She said his step father (or was it his father? I don't recall) had hung himself. Did she say he'd found him? I am unsure. I remember only feeling angry about the way she told me. That she'd told me at all. Gossip. Not compassion but judgement.

    He never spoke of it in any case. He didn't say much of anything that wasn't a lie, but that was okay. Tall tales of escaped lions roaming the very woods we were in. He'd sell you any story.

    We'd go walking outside the village limits. Walk and walk and walk and nowhere to go.

    He'd piss in the pond and I couldn't persuade him to think of the fish but I watched anyway, although he'd said not to. He caught me looking and got upset. And I was upset abut the fish.

    I met his Mother once in passing. She asked him had he done his homework and he lied right to her face. The shock of it! And oh, the possibilities.. and of course that's what had been worrying Her all along.

    I let him borrow my favourite toy horse. "Watch your things" she'd say when he was to come to our house and she'd go about closing doors to rooms we were not to enter. I did it secretly, the lending. Because I bloody well wanted him to feel trusted, even if I wasn't so sure myself: Not of the stealing but of the breaking. I'd have felt the same about any boy. I wonder if it was his little brother who cut the manes or him. I was upset at the time but I kept it quiet (I think). Now it makes me laugh. Mohawks!

    One day there was an innocent query but it was SEX! SEX! SEX! to Her ears. Unprecedented hell. I can't remember how come we stopped spending time together, but I reckon it was then. She dropped the subtle from her insistance and I counted my losses.

    Eventually he disappeared back to remedial school. When he returned a couple of years later I was surprised. Nobody had ever returned from remedial before. He smiled at me in the hallway and I pulled a face. I wanted to take it back right there.
    I was a liar myself by then, nothing as accomplished as him, but it served it's purpose at times when I could not hope to live up to Her expectations. I'd tell Her what she wanted to hear and bury the truth so deep I forgot myself.

    If I could go back in time, that sneer, I'd turn it into a smile.

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  10. great pics!!!!!

    www.thevstyle.com

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  11. I love coffee time too :-)

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  12. These photos are so majestic. You have a beautifully haunting style in your writing. Hope you don't get too caught up in thoughts of time travel and regrets- there's a reason why we're not meant to bend time.

    Sincerely,
    Sabrina

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  13. What a question. Given all of history at my fingertips, I'd still relive my first kiss with MC. I ask him to reenact it all the time. Lucky for me, he obliges, always with conviction.

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  14. I like your blog, your words, your images are in harmony, thanks for your visit, ana kisses

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  15. I really like these photos!!
    Great post ^^
    Your blog is so cute. Loved it!

    xxx
    kissmequick

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  16. i love your writing so much

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  17. Hi dear! I found your blog and I like everything ♥
    Your blog is so cute. Loved it!

    xo
    Maddy
    http://freakyfashionfriday.blogspot.com/

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  18. Great story! We like your post!

    Much love from the SABO SKIRT girls!
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  19. I'd go back seven years and pay more attention to that guy who was trying to talk to me before he went off to speak to my friend and thus begin the start of their seven-year relationship. If only I could have known then what I know now.

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  20. beautiful pictures, beautiful writing... basically its all just plain gorgeous!

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  21. So beautiful honey!
    xx
    B.
    http://www.beeswonderland.com/

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  22. Amazing writing and beautiful pictures
    Kisses
    Aga

    Check my new post
    www.agasuitcase.com

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  23. I have recently found your blog. Your pictures and writing are stunning.

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  24. There are so many moments I would love to relive and I spend my time remembering, and reliving as much as possible.
    I think we are so lucky to have the power of memory and it is so good to indulge ourselves and curl up with a good past time as long as we remember to take our time to live the here and now, to create new moments to keep us warm on a cold night.

    Beautiful post... as always. Love Elle xo

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  25. i love this post ♥ it's so beautiful!

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  26. That moment on a school trip in London, when we went to see "The Phantom of the Opera" and our seats happened to be side by side. And during the whole play he would lean in and ask me this and that, and how had it happened in the book?
    His closeness made me so so happy.

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  27. Such an inspiring post - you're so talented!

    I'm one of your new followers!

    xx

    http://girlonbroughtonstreet.blogspot.co.uk

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  28. I would relive leaving my brother becaused if i did i would turn around and never go, i should of never left him with my dad all alone xx

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  29. as always... enjoy reading your posts...
    I would relive few painful moments in my life, but I am not sure, if I had a chance, that I would do something different? mainly, 'cause most of those painful moments connected me with some happy moments after, brought me to few persones who are now the most important to me... It's something I would definitely have to think about for quite some time to make a good decicsion...

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  30. Thanks for the comment on my blog <3

    xx

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  31. beautiful pictures! I like this post!

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  32. Your blog is great! Even it's a little bit difficult to read it in English.

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  33. so beautiful. following yu. follow back?

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  34. Have a SUPER week, Avy!

    xoxo Harry*

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  35. love your writing ♥
    mind to followe back my blog? i've followed yours!

    foolishisme.blogspot.com

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  36. I don't think I've read such beautiful words that co-incide with such beautiful images.....in a long, long time.
    toni xo

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  37. Beautiful.. I love the pictures. Please be my first follower on bloglovin.

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  38. Your words and your photographs are stunning..

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  39. beautiful photos

    http://adoramehitabel.blogspot.co.uk/

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  40. Thank you for your comment and for leading me to your blog. Its so individual and inspiring- the way you write is amazing. Those photos are beautiful as well. I'm now following!

    Rosie
    x

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  41. Świetny blog i rewelacyjne zdjęcia !

    www.iamyoungfish.blogspot.com

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  42. Vraiment très, très beau !!!

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  43. omg these pictures are gorgeous! <3 i love the flowers and the floating petals <3


    There is a giveaway on my blog if you would like to enter! :D

    My Fashion Blog: Strawberriespls | Shop My Closet

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  44. It's been awhile since I've found a new blog I connect with - I love your writing and how it opens up to so much thought. Trying to decide what my moment to relive would be, I'm torn between 2, for completely different reasons. Love this isn't the typical fashion blog (like mine ha)...inspiring...X
    http://lr-moonchild.blogspot.com

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