Monday, March 19, 2012

You and I

In the end it always becomes too much to handle, the childish hope that if you just keep ignoring something and pretend like it never happened, it will eventually go away. It doesn't.

I'm on the bed with all curtains closed and a letter in my hand, a sealed envelope with my name and address handwritten in black ink. It's from him, the boy I grew up with, the first love of my life, the one I did something terrible to and ended up not seeing for over five years.

When we finally met again in a Gauloise haze at a party somewhere he was so different and so very much the same, all at once. We never talked about it, I just started to call him by another name, one that was never his: Carl. He didn't ask me why, maybe he understood or maybe he just didn't care.

It was all about timing I guess. When I saw him in the right light after so many years it was already too late. He had found someone else, a dear friend of mine, someone I love equally much but in a very different way. I had to put a wasteland and three hours between us just to be able to breathe for a while, but it only works for as long as you let it.  

And now he's written to me. It took me two weeks to get here and it's too bright even in the darkness of mother's apartment but I have to open it and when I do all I find is a quote from a song and the words "I know what this means to you".

And it does, it so does. He understands it like no one else and that's why I love him.


  1. ahhh...

    ''In the end it always becomes too much to handle, the childish hope that if you just keep ignoring something and pretend like it never happened, it will eventually go away. It doesn't.''


  2. Oho,that was beautiful! I wonder why we both never get over the beauty of pain.

  3. Oh darn, reading this makes my heart ache...again. Brings back memories that I long to forget yet I secretly still want to remember. Bittersweet.

  4. perfect pics!

  5. So interesting pictures.

    Please stop by our blog and leave a comment!


  6. Really like what you wrote
    and the photos are great!


  7. Absolutely beautiful.

    It's lovely that he took the time to do something personal for you, when he didn't have to do anything...

    It brings back many bitter memories for me too. Wounds. Tears. Hopeless nights and days.

  8. I've never dealt with anything like this but reading it makes me think for a minuscule moment that I have.
    <3 to you, hun.

  9. You are doing a great job here, i´ll be back soon.

  10. so avy, are you left asking, where do we go from here? did you take those photographs?

  11. That last photo is seriously gorgeous.

  12. It's great to have someone who understands you even though you haven't seen him in such a long time.

    And that fist paragraph, it's so true, unfortunately.

  13. There's nothing like meeting the first love of your life after many years apart. Can only imagine how strange but familiar it must feel.

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  15. What a sad & beautiful story.......

  16. You tell us so much. And you tell us so little, Ms. Avy.

    No matter what his words, Carl's letter contains a series of questions.

    Are you the woman he remembers in his dreams?

    Do you remember him as fondly as he remembers you?

    Will you start anew with him?

    Will you hurt him again?

    You answer him in the last five words of your posting.

    Good luck, Ms. Avy.

  17. A resurfacing past scares me.
    I am constantly reinvented

    But love is like a virus
    That I am not immune to.

  18. Some love never dies. This is such a lovely story.