This silence sounds like lava floating slowly under the floorboards, ready to erupt. I know I should be somewhere else when it does but where would I go?
It wasn't always like this of course. Memories of other times sometimes echo in the walls, I remember hiding in my room as strange people came and went late in the evenings. When the noise from downstairs got too loud I would call Carl and ask him to come over. We would sleep in my bed, fully dressed (we were 10-11 back then), and wake up to a deafening silence in the morning. I would hold my breath as I went down to find mother and her friends asleep in the living room, empty wine bottles shimmering of sunlight through a light pot-smoke haze.
And I remember Carl asking me about my father. Why wasn't he there to take care of me? I defended him but deep down I felt it too. I couldn't admit it to myself or anyone else, but that was the first time I recognized a fault in him and the first time I felt abandoned.
This is me ashamed in that A&F T-shirt, illustrated by Ivette at Little moon lover ♥