Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Kids

I thought I heard children's laughter from the dining room but it was just mother chattering on the phone. I suppose it's better than the silent drinking, but I'm uncomfortably aware of how fragile those moments really are. I've never seen her fall apart, but for as long as I can remember she's slowly evaporated, which in a way is so much worse.

We've never talked about it of course, it would be useless even if I wanted to. I know that something happened to her years ago, on that trip with my father, but he protected her and kept quiet. All I have now are the little traces and clues she left in her diary.

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Today we stopped for an hour at a small station somewhere close to the end of the world. We weren't allowed to go out so we watched the people through our smudged windows. I saw a family, a mother and a father with their little daughter, and I started to cry. T asked me what was wrong but I couldn't bear to tell him. I know how he left his family behind too, and I have no right to be more tormented by it than him. What I'm certain of however, what I saw so clearly through that window, is that I never want to put a child into this world. I could never live with the notion that some day they would be left all alone.



20 comments:

  1. Beautifully haunting post. Makes me want to recede into the dark space in my head.

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  2. Great pieces and fantastic style. love it.

    http://paquetevistasbien.blogspot.com

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  3. You make me want to know you more. That way you write is beautiful. As I said, it's magic.
    xo

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  4. Your mother was a brilliant woman! So are you!

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  5. Sehr schöner blog :)
    hast du lust auf gegenseitiges verfolgen ?
    liebe grüße

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  6. wow. Your Header is really beatiful (: like it (;

    New Follower.
    Aylin
    http://lovewilltakeyou.blogspot.com/

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  7. I've always felt pain is the most beautiful emotion under the sun!Your style is haunting.Makes me want to ask for more.Following you religiously from now on.

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  8. you are a misty intrigue. . . . .

    what's that scent?


    Aloha from Waikiki
    Comfort Spiral

    > < } } ( ° >

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  9. this is so heart wrenching. there is a sense of gladness for discovering another piece of the puzzle, but pain from the truth of the matter. you wrote it beautifully.

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  10. Sometimes I feel the same way about having a child... when you were a kid and imagined yourself all grown up you most likely saw a loving husband, a kid or two or eight (depending on preference) you dream that your happy and successful and loved... But now how could you have any of that with this curse that you can't escape?
    xo

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  11. Omg love the title of your blog, so funny lol!
    xo

    mydutchfashionstyle.blogspot.com

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  12. Your blog is inspirational and witty...love the title! :) I follow you via gfc now! follow back? :D
    Rory
    www.WearAboutsBlog.com
    CHICTOPIA

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  13. I have just discovered your blog. I love the title but I am stuck in the story of it all. Keep up the good work. <3

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  14. love. love. love. the way you write about things. It is so nostalgic and beautiful.

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  15. had to check your blog out just because of the name...love! :)

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