Thursday, December 29, 2011

Make believe

When mother first moved to Los Angeles she tried to make friends with families that were everything she aspired to be. On the surface, she left her hippie-self and the people attached to that lifestyle in New York, but she's the kind of person who will never grow up and become "normal", whatever that is.

For New Year's, she invites herself to one of those families and orders me to go with her. "Please behave" she says, which means I have to act perky and humorless, smile at their stupid jokes about "normal" people and listen to their dorky son talk about life in college. Mother will try not to drink too much while making me seem like the perfect daughter, cutely dressed up in pink and with just the right amount of make up on.

The whole evening will taste like vomit, one you have to swallow over and over again, and I will have to think very carefully about everything I say in order not to offend anyone (that would be very easily done if I wanted to) or seem strange.

And then, as the new year begins with fireworks and champagne, mother will hug me and say she loves me, and I will forget the charades and the fake smiles and say I love her too, just because that's how I wish things were between us. I will grab her hand and hold it, and for a moment I won't think about who's no longer there, like he used to be, protecting me from all that's evil in this world. It will be a happy moment, but it won't last forever.


  1. Great post.
    Happy New year!

  2. dear avy, your words, your thoughts, & you are spectacular! like stars that sparkle dots of light in & through the darkness.

  3. Not the best new years eve. For the last couple years we've gone over to my Nona's house where I have two options. One; sit at the table with my family and be tempted by all the damn food she puts out or two; go hide away with the computer all night to avoid all that food.

    Hope you manage to have a good night.

    Take care <3

  4. People invest way too much emotion in these holidays....New Years. Really, when you think about it, who really cares when a year passes from one to the next? Why would it be any different than yesterday, or the day before?

    Don't get sucked into that emotional circling of the drain. New Years is just another day. Why people attach so much significance to it is beyond me. I'll be sleeping when it happens.

    Great post though! You really have a way with words that tugs at the human heart. Keep writing. You have a gift that not too many people have.

  5. Hey this is beautiful,
    it reminds me of my home town. I imagine children here going to party with their family's being expected to keep up reputations, especially with the mix of upper middle and lower class persons all attending their party's.
    Happy new years.

  6. But the memory of it will.


  7. She's lucky to have you as her daughter, you know!

    Wish you a very very happy new year. Let happiness find you! :)


  8. The last paragraph brought tears to my eyes. . . I just wanna hug you . . . Happy New Year darling

  9. wow. you write with such power. I could just picture the fake smilies, and a genuine moment gone too soon.