Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Another deadly sin

The worst feeling has been eating me up all week, ever since I saw S smiling and laughing with Henry. It's not that I'm anything but happy for her sake, but all I can think of is how I'm not her, how I'm still alone. I loved someone years ago and maybe that's all there is, maybe no one will ever hold my hand like that again or know what I'm thinking of just by looking at me. That fear grows slowly inside me and I just can't shake it.

What frightens me even more is knowing how mother was just like me when she was my age. She had a heart made of glass and I wonder what happened to her to make her so distant and cold. I wonder if it could happen to me too.

From her diary:

78-11-18

Another day passes, another austere scenery on the other side of the windows. T sleeps a lot and when he's awake I ask him about his childhood and he asks me about mine. We have so much in common, both having escaped from something we never called home, but he's still evolving each day and I envy him for it. I keep thinking that what if these are the best times of our lives, what if this is the adventure I will forever be comparing everything else to. The thought lingers in my mind as I try to sleep, and sometimes I dream about having to say goodbye for the very last time. It's summer and he's standing there in the evening light, looking at me with those eyes, not saying a word. We both know that nothing will ever be the same again, that nothing can ever be better. And then I wake up.



16 comments:

  1. something said ,but a dreamlike blog .May you better .
    http://romwe-romwe.blogspot.com

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  2. I commented on your blog the other day and asked if I could write about your blog :)I am emailing you some questions about your blog :) Once you answer them I will post you on my blog on my motivational/inspirational section :) xoxo
    www.euphoricfashiontrends.blogspot.com

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  3. you are not her. you may be related by blood, you may even have similarities, but you are not carbon copies of each other. you are two different people. even a twin isn't exactly the same, are they?

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  4. Beautiful - wouldn't want to read anything else with my morning coffee.

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  5. Gorgeous photo!

    Much love from the SABO SKIRT girls!
    SHOP: www.saboskirt.com
    BLOG: www.saboskirt.blogspot.com

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  6. Your life seems like a book, it's almost unreal.
    I love your mother's diary entries...
    You won't become like her, you seem different. I hope you will find someone someday.

    ♥Abby

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  7. always people say that children are like their parents, but that's not true...everyone is different.

    I really like your blog :) I follow you.

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  8. Lovely post and blog <3
    You write very well.
    Teenage Daydreams X

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  9. Hi! I really like your blog! It makes me remember when I lived in LA and why I miss it so much, it's just this atmosphere. And you write really well!

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  10. love it!

    http://glamourgirl-bg.blogspot.com/

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  11. very well written ~ and lovly photo ^__^

    J <3

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  12. A great writing style! I really do like your blog. Thanks for the comment on mine please do come back and follow me if you like.
    Aimee
    www.new-yorkdoll.blogspot.com
    xxx

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  13. hate that when i'm a bit or a big bit jealous of a close friend who is in the sweet juicy part of
    love...ahhhh...especially when i'm such a tough
    nut for potential lovers to crack.

    if your glass heart is shattered you'll find someone who isn't afraid of gettin cut.

    your mother's entry is ethereal & lovely as usual.

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  14. I have that fear too.
    This is a beautiful entry.
    Vi

    ReplyDelete

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