I fell in love with him because he was an utterly good person. He was never one who stood out in a crowd, never one of those people that everyone noticed as soon as he entered a room, but he listened to me. He listened and he truly wanted to know how I was, or if I needed him in any particular way. And I did. I needed him to lift me up when I felt like falling, but as soon as that shrewish feeling of inadequacy began tormenting my already worried mind, he became an addiction. When he forgot little things like me going away with my mother, I didn't blame him. I blamed myself.
The time we spent apart suddenly meant more than the time we were together. I used to envy all the people that passed him in the subway tunnels or just bumped in to him on their way to some pointless meeting with some pointless friend. I couldn't believe that they got to touch him when I wasn't even there, and I wanted them to know what an amazing person they just came close to. I wanted to tell them so that they could appreciate and cherish that moment, and treasure him just as much as I.
But they never did.
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That's how I feel as well. When I like someone, and someone else just causally hangs out with them (especially if it's a girl), I envy them.
ReplyDeletexx,
~Abby~
That was really touching. Pedestals are always so hard for me though. Whether you're on it or looking up at it there seems to be that feeling of inequality that just couldn't sit right with me. Hopefully I'll find someone someday and we'll both have our own pedestals.
ReplyDeletewow. you are such an amazing writer! im so glad i stumbled across your blog!
ReplyDeleteand sadly, i know this feeling all to well. i still feel inadequate whenever i talk to him.
Sadly, I really understand.
ReplyDeleteLove that, I totally get it.
ReplyDeleteThe time we spent apart suddenly meant more than the time we were together. love that quote :p
ReplyDeleteSo brutaly honest
ReplyDeletethank you so much ***
ReplyDeleteSo fortunate.
ReplyDeleteYou should write a book. I'd buy it.
ReplyDeleteand I know that feeling... My boyfriend went away to boot camp for the summer last year... and every second he was gone, I realized I loved him more and more. I too, grew envious of everything and everyone he came into contact with. I've never missed someone so much.
Honey, your writing is beautiful. I can feel my own lost loves when you write, the obsession and depression and ecstasy and all of it. Really, really beautiful.
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting over at "Chi-Chi." I'm a writer by trade, but I'm only brave enough to share my vices (shopping, for instance) with the world, and not my soul. Good for you, hun.
What beautiful writing. You have such a lovely talent. <3 Thank you so much for your comment, because it led me to your wonderful writing. x
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