Everything started on one of those non-winter winters that are so common here in LA. It felt like and earthquake waiting to happen, just because of the treacherous calm. I hate it when it's too quiet, it always makes me nervous and I start preparing for a storm. I don't know how I saw the heavy clouds gathering, but a storm is exactly what happened and incidentally it brought me closer to him.
When I was younger I had a friend who was almost like a sister to me. She was the sweetest person I've ever met and someone who deserved all the best and only got the worst. I tried so hard for so long to protect her and lift her up when she was falling, but it was never enough. One day I got a call from her aunt who said she had passed away. We hadn't spoken for several weeks and the only feeling that ran through my body at that moment was panic.
Everyone around me tried to get me to talk to them, but I didn't want their sympathy. I didn't need their outsider opinions or tired platitudes about God and his mysterious ways, the only one I wanted to talk to was her. I wanted so badly to tell her how much I loved her and cared for her, but it was already too late. I never even got the chance. It still makes me angry that something can be that definitive - no matter what you want to do or say to someone you can't if you do it a split second too late when they can no longer hear you.
The harder I looked for a way out the lonelier I felt, and the more I realized there was nothing I could do for myself or her. So I hid in his arms and he comforted me to the best of his abilities. He couldn't undo the past, but he kept his distance and allowed me to mourn her any way I wanted.
Her name was Johanna, and this is my way of remembering her.