I've spent most of my waking hours on the phone this weekend, I think more out of a sense of duty than because I actually wanted to. He talks for hours and I listen, but I rarely know how to respond because I don't know what I'm really looking for with him. I don't have a purpose which makes me very uncomfortable, so I keep quiet and hope he doesn't mistake my silence for arrogance and disinterest.
I've been in this position before, and in a way I think it shaped me more than I wished for. A couple of years ago, during one summer, I had to choose between two boys. One was helplessly in love with me and wanted to plan our fairy tale future together, the other one just felt relaxed in my presence and had no grand illusions of story book love. He took me out for picnics around the beach where we sat all night talking, looking out over the dark ocean, drinking wine. We made no promises and knew that once summer was over so were we.
Still, I picked him over the needy one, not because I liked him more but because he never made me feel trapped. I could breathe around him, and he was more of a steady ground to stand on than a weight I had to carry on my shoulders.
Maybe the other one had been good for me, I don't know and I never will. And I'm not even sure it bothers me, simply because I'm not someone who needs to be put on a pedestal. At the same time I know that I want to be loved, and I want to get to know that boy with soft hair, just to see if maybe somehow we could function together. I just don't know how to tell him that. That's why he talks and I listen.
But for how long?
I hope everything goes well in the end. You should follow your heart,and choose the decisions that makes you feel comfortable :)
ReplyDeletethere is too much choice in life. Just get me married to an old guy so I have someone something to escape from.
ReplyDeleteAvy, you did right, by not wanting to feel trapped, who needs that kind of pressure?
ReplyDeleteSecretia
i love how you write, its very honest..
ReplyDeleteusing silence to avoid what you really want to say only lasts but so long...
ReplyDeletehttp://thestylerealist.blogspot.com
I can relate to you about sitting in silence. I myself don't know what my purpose is. But I hope everything goes well. Give it, give him some time. No need to rush (:
ReplyDeleteI completely understand this. I too have let someone else do all the talking. If you really like him, you have to start talking and let him know how you feel. Hope it works out for you
ReplyDeleteOh, Thank you. ;-)
ReplyDelete<3
ReplyDeleteDo you enjoy listening Avy? That is the big question.
ReplyDeleteIn reply to your comment on my blog: I have tried telling my mother numerous times over the past eight years. She does not believe me. Her parenting skills could only have raised a well-balanced, perfect daughter, not a bulimic self-harmer.
ReplyDeleteWould you tell your mother, or father, something that would shatter their illusions of a perfect childhood, a happy life?
I cannot bring myself to do that. I have tried, and she simply does not want to know. So she lives in her dreamworld, and I live in mine, and occasionally we collide, but we both pretend like everything is perfect and fine.
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I hope things work out for you. You deserve to be loved, everyone does.
i would have made exactly the same decision. you put it so well.
ReplyDeleteFor some reason, your honesty makes me happy. Maybe I just wish I could write as beautifully as you.
ReplyDeletestunning photo!
ReplyDeletei'm afraid of commitment, and i worry that there's something wrong with me. what do you do when the other person loves you a little bit more? do you feel like a terrible person for not being capable to love that much? do you doubt everything and wonder if you'll ever be able to love someone as much as they love you? do you keep looking until you feel it so intensely too, but with someone else?
ReplyDeleteor do you just sit on windowsills and stare wistfully at the sky hoping that some ancient magic will make everything right?