Darlings, how are you?
I've spent most of my waking hours on the phone this weekend, I think more out of a sense of duty than because I actually wanted to. He talks for hours and I listen, but I rarely know how to respond because I don't know what I'm really looking for with him. I don't have a purpose which makes me very uncomfortable, so I keep quiet and hope he doesn't mistake my silence for arrogance and disinterest.
I've been in this position before, and in a way I think it shaped me more than I wished for. A couple of years ago, during one summer, I had to choose between two boys. One was helplessly in love with me and wanted to plan our fairy tale future together, the other one just felt relaxed in my presence and had no grand illusions of story book love. He took me out for picnics around the beach where we sat all night talking, looking out over the dark ocean, drinking wine. We made no promises and knew that once summer was over so were we.
Still, I picked him over the needy one, not because I liked him more but because he never made me feel trapped. I could breathe around him, and he was more of a steady ground to stand on than a weight I had to carry on my shoulders.
Maybe the other one had been good for me, I don't know and I never will. And I'm not even sure it bothers me, simply because I'm not someone who needs to be put on a pedestal. At the same time I know that I want to be loved, and I want to get to know that boy with soft hair, just to see if maybe somehow we could function together. I just don't know how to tell him that. That's why he talks and I listen.
But for how long?