The most important thing I've come to realize after spending some time with my repressed memories is that it wasn't my fault. It couldn't have been. Maybe deep down I've always known that, but guilt is a burden that sometimes becomes too easy to accept and carry with you like a constantly present raincloud above your head. What if I had done anything, just anything, differently? What if I had said something, or maybe not said something I shouldn't have said, what if...
What if...?
Those never ending thoughts are torture for the heart, and for the longest time they threatened to break me in a million little pieces. I carried them with me, deep inside, and never allowed them to penetrate the skinn. I closed myself and drained my body of air, hoping I could suffocate the nagging feelings of guilt and all those unanswered questions. But of course it didn't work.
I know he loved me very much. He was the one who was always there for me, who took me to ballet practice and told me I was good even though I wasn't. He took the time to read me bedtime stories, to help me with my homework and eventually to watch me try on dussins of pairs of shoes during end of season sales when I knew he hated doing just that.
He may have ended up letting me down, but now I know who I want to blame for what happened. It's just so damn hard.
Share
Blame is harsh, but it always feels so much better to make someone or something the reason for a certain thing that happened.
ReplyDeletePlaying the "what if...?" game can ruin you. No matter how many times you say "what if", no matter how many times you imagine doing one tiny little thing different, it cannot and will not change the reality. And that's a bitch to accept. But you aren't responsible for the things that are out of your control. And maybe the person or thing you blame isn't responsible, either. It's hard to distinguish right from wrong when you are heavily influenced by emotions.
But you've let them go, in a way. Which takes it off your chest. And that is the main thing.
You aren't to blame.
Love,
Eleanor. xo
You can't help how you feel. It's not evil to feel like that. talk it out, rehash it until you get it settled.
ReplyDeleteSecretia
i do this to myself so much its ridiculous. and in the end, i lose every time. its a bad habit and you cant keep beating yourself up for it. i know i have for a very long time. and then i realized im not hurting anyone but myself.. feel better.
ReplyDeleteTears dropped from my eyes as I read this...Sounds like the intro into the story about my relationship with my father...I blamed myself, blamed him for years...But one of these days I need to learn how to let go so that I can move on with my life...So the nightmares will stop...We have to release the hurt someday...
ReplyDeletethnks for the comment!
ReplyDeletelovely blog :) im now following you.
emma x
http://www.emmadaniellex.blogspot.com/
like secretia... feelings are feelings and you are going to have them just the way you do...
ReplyDeletetime is a healer, and with the new dawn comes life anew
<3
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what to say, other than I relate to this a lot.
As a father... there have been times that it would have been easy to have abandoned my daughter... the heartache she has put me through... but... if I had done so, I would not have been a Father... I love her to death... we talk about the problems... she knows she is loved by me... she just forgets it from time to time...
ReplyDelete~shoes~