Now is the time of year when you're supposed to show the world what a selfless person you are by spending money on precious gifts for your family and friends. I don't do that, my love is always selfish and distrustful. I buy people things, not so that they will love me but so that if they ever decide to leave me there will still be some physical evidence left of whatever relationship we once had. Instead of elusive memories something will be there to feel and to touch, and someone will be able to pick it up and say "look, it's here, it's real". I know it doesn't work that way, but it's an obsession I can't get rid of, like so many others.
My mother tried once. I had bought her a porcelain figurine of a young woman holding a child, for a birthday I think. She said she loved it but placed it right on the edge of the fireplace mantle in the dining room so that someone would accidentally break it. And eventually they did. Mother's hollow excuses made me begin to despise the hypocrisy of the so called altruistic love.
Since then I don't buy people things for their sake but for my own, to make myself a little bit more real in their eyes. It's a useless compromise, but it's the one I've got. At least for now.